1999: I had a very restless night and apparently so did mum – now that’s what I call a coincidence. I slept in every angle possible on both beds (we swapped 4 times apparently) and at 6.30 started muttering about Pat again. Of course most of this is mummy’s version of events as I was mostly asleep throughout and I really think she’s taking this Pat thing a bit too far now. Mum made me cry at breakfast this morning. I was quite happily sitting in my high chair, flapping a whole rasher of bacon from my mouth, when Mummy told me to take it out. Well I didn’t see what was wrong with this so I carried on doing it and do you know what she did? She broke my bacon! After breakfast we went for a swim for a whole hour – Mummy eventually bribed me out of the pool with Pat (I thought you didn’t like him, this is so confusing).
Tonight I did my usual in the dining room making everyone on my table wear their napkins in their collar, just like me and then I gradually pull mine out so that they’re all sat there looking very funny and I’m the grown up one with mine abandoned! After dinner we went to the cabaret room for our usual dance. All week I have wanted to stand on the stage and sing into the microphone to the music, and tonight mummy let me do it. It was great fun and everyone was looking at me. The trouble started when a man then came on and started playing the organ and singing, and I wanted to go on the stage “again”. Mummy said I couldn’t as I’d already played and it was now the man’s turn and suggested we danced instead. As we danced on the floor I realized that everyone was paying attention to the man on the organ and not me and I wanted to join in with him, so I smacked mummy in the face and next thing I knew I was being marched off to bed. Well no one’s going to see me there are they you stupid woman!!
2019: No dancing or playing today just lots of hard work in stuffy lofts. Still like my tunes though and sing along in my van loud and clear. Tried to stay awake to welcome Mum and Mark home but was soundo in my bed by the time they got back
1999: Got into mums bed this morning with …………………Nan? Oh that’s right mum had to go to work again last night! Well I’m making the most of this, sorry Nan but there’s no way I’m going back to sleep. I spoke to mum on the phone at 8.00 when she rang to say good morning and to see if I was being a good boy. Why shouldn’t I be? She has no faith my Mother. Doesn’t she realize yet that I only play up when she’s around – moaning at me? Well it gets on your nerves after a while. “Jack don’t do that, don’t do this………………..” On and on and on she drones. I did have Nan running up and down the stairs all morning though by saying “poo”, but I didn’t (It’s a great game this, the power you have to make them all go running with just one, simple word). Tonight mummy and I sat on the settee watching telly, drinking milk and eating a huge bowl of sweeties. Heaven. She can go and do extra hours at work any time she likes. There’s nothing like a guilty conscience.
2019: Mums in Tenerife getting some winter sun. Hopefully they’ll be sweeties when she gets back! Meanwhile I don’t envy her those extra work hours – my day has been long, long, long insulating loft after loft! And as for poo – well that makes me go running now due to the wonder of Chron’s. Karma apparently.
1999: Slept the whole night in my own bed, I must be slacking, will have to do better than that tonight. Before we left for Edon’s today, I spied a big tube of Smarties, which someone had apparently dropped round for me last night. What a treat, I’m not usually allowed, but I’ve seen them now mum – you should have hidden them sooner (I mean you had all night). Meanie head said that I couldn’t have them for breakfast, so I decided to take them with me. I put them on the dashboard and guzzled my drink. Mum tried all sorts of distractions, but I know her game, she was hoping I would forget they were there. Is she stupid? I mean she’d remember her sweeties so what makes her think I wouldn’t remember mine? I humoured her, responded to her distractive ramblings and once at Edon’s got out of the car, Smarties tightly clenched in hand.
2019: Well mums away in Tenerife and I’ve been working hard all day and grabbing what I can to snack on. To be fair, I love my sweets still, but know chocolate really effects my Chron’s so I tend to avoid this. Along with spicy food and nuts – so what did mum put in my Christmas sack – Wasabi bloomin nuts!
1999: I decided to be good this morning (well I give the old girl a break from time to time) and played nicely with my toys whilst mum was getting ready. I have found a new hiding place – not in the beds or behind the doors – but in the suitcase in Mummys room. She found it very funny and I had to stay there while she ran downstairs to get the camera. Not that I minded; I love a good pose. My good behaviour continued throughout the day. Edon reckons mum has me well trained as I put Edons’ slippers on for her when we came in and fetched her boots for her when it was time to go out again. Edon found this very funny, but it’s no laughing matter you know, my mum’s a right slave driver! I wanted to go to Nanny and Pa’s tonight, but mum said no. So I just said “Nan, Nan, Nan” over and over again, getting louder and louder until she gave in. Well it saved her cooking tea didn’t it? Pa had bought me a Teletubbies CD and now my totally un-trendy mummy has to try and learn all the dances. She just can’t keep up.
2019: I remember that mum usually had to drive herself home after these visits as I would go in Pa’s van with him, pretending to be a bus and making him stop at all the bus stops. I now have my own work van and today had to drive to Burnley and back to load up with panels. Left at 5am and back at 8pm but I didn’t have time stop at any bus stops
Mummy awoke with the alarm, to find me lying next to her, she cannot remember how or when I got there (and she accused me of guzzling the fizz!). She turned off the alarm and we snoozed on and off. Here we go again. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. We went down to do my milk and mum’s tea, but I want tea too. I refused to put my milk in the microwave and with a persistent shouting of “tea” I eventually got my own way. Only ate half of my banana this morning, mummy decided to wear the rest of it on her coat. Fashion has obviously taken a very strange turn. Wasn’t too keen to go to ‘Edon’s’ today, but go I did, with a bag full of clothes in preparation for something called ‘training’. When Mum left I did my half screaming, half laughing, and half crying bit. How could she leave me? Has she gone? Oh, great – let’s play! Have discovered what the ‘training’ bits about, it’s to develop my impersonating skills – today I did an excellent Niagara Falls, whilst in the high chair. Personally I think it would have been far more effective standing up and given free range, but Director Edon thought differently and tried to collect most of it in a towel.
Well carrying on the wet theme – the tumble dryer packed in today so Zof had to go to work in wet jeans and I collected a new one from Argos. Was great to get back in the truck again (well 3.5 tun) and feel the roar. Had to drive it down from Burnley the other week in a mighty storm and have to drive it there again on Sunday to pick up some boards. Looking forward to getting back to work now.
Mummy awoke to me tap dancing on her bedroom floor (currently void of carpet so it makes a truly authentic noise). Honestly performers get paid mega bucks for doing this and appreciation shown in standing ovations. You would think mum would be grateful to get this for free without having to even travel anywhere! Some people are so ungrateful. Uncle Terry bought me a blow up Teletubbies tent for Christmas, which, unfortunately for mummy I want put up every day. Still it only takes 15 minutes to pump up by hand. Only problem is (apart from Mummy being Knackered and unable to play for the rest of the day) the pump nozzle is too big and has stretched the hole so the stopper now doesn’t fit. Hopefully a Winnie the Poo plaster will fix it! Talking of poo – Mum I need one. I actually did it on the toilet today – usually I tell mummy when it’s in the leg of my pyjama’s or trousers. Well bless her; I guess she deserves a break every now and again. Afterwards I got dressed and then I played with my new, big truck (a Christmas pressie from Mummy’s friend Dev). Once Mum was dressed she started down the stairs and said “come on Jack you’re going to Daddy’s today”. I said “truck” and she said I could bring it down and take it with me. This conversation was repeated 4 times, with me staying static, before mum realised that what I was actually saying was “stuck”. My sock was caught on the bare gripper of her bedroom. I eventually got off to Daddy’s – minus gripper and had a lovely day. When I got home mummy and I had fizz. I had straight lemonade and mummy had wine with hers. We were sat watching T.V., my drink was so tasty I gulped it down before mum realised that I was actually drinking hers! Mmm. That was nice. Should sleep well tonight.
Still playing with trucks – have one parked outside full of loft insulation waiting for me to get back into after the festive hols. Meanwhile, just to keep me amused, I’m driving lots of different vehicles on X-box as I am now legally old enough to play GTA and too old to be restricted and grounded so now mums the one who’s stuck! (and so were the conservatory doors tonight when mum somehow accidentally managed to perfectly line up a box lid to prevent the slide – she couldn’t have done it if she’d actually tried!) Check out ditzydotcom