April 16th

1999:  Went to Edon’s and screamed and cried when mum left.  How can she still walk away?  She must have a heart of stone.  When she picked me up later mum said we were going to Donals and then on to see Aunty Karen and that I had to have a nappy on.  I didn’t want it though and when she picked me up to leave; I bit her and slapped her 3 times in the face.  I think she was a bit upset, but so am I, I’m fine without my nappy – and I proved it.  We drove straight to Karen’s – no Donals now – and I fell asleep in the car, AND stayed dry the whole time.  We went for a walk to the police station and I posted a letter through the letterbox.  It was great, loads of police cars and vans, didn’t see any policemen though, which was a bit disappointing.  Mum reckons I won’t be so eager to see the long arm of the law when I get older.  When we got home I did a wee on the toilet and didn’t have a nappy on at all this evening. Mother you have to trust me!

2019: Jesus! I look back at this and other pics and see how ill I was with my Crohn’s 2 years ago. I was losing weight even on steroids. I have come a long way since then and since surgery. Am not liking the thought of immunos again due to fear of sepsis return, but nor do I want to be so uncontrolled. Hoping to start injections when I see the doc next week. Hopefully I will then have a better physical and emotional control on things

#mentlahealth #crohns #IBD #physicalhealth #growingup #toddlers #adults #weight

March 4th – I’m a Foodie Born and Bread

1999: Early start today.  Awake at 6.30 when mum bought my milk in!  Is she feeling all right?  It’s a bit on the early side and she did it all on her own. I held my own inhaler and spacer unit this morning, something I’ve started doing over the past week.  Why does it take big people so long to realise that we will happily do things, if only they’d let us get on with it?  I tried to play with my racing cars this morning but they wouldn’t work.  Mum had a look at it and then blamed me accusing me of leaving the battery on which I felt was mighty unfair and so I had a look and I managed to get it going. When mum picked me up tonight we went home via the shops and I chose Jelly Tots and went running up to mum.  Oh, was that not the reason we were here then?  Apparently not – it was to collect a paper for Nan! She gave in.  I’m just far too cute, but it’s definitely for my own good!  Whilst she was paying I went for a wander.  Mum found me in the cake section drooling over the iced buns; she seemed rather relieved that she reached me at that point; personally I found it quite disappointing.  No milk tonight because mum forgot to buy any – even though we’d just been to the shop!.  We’ve only just been to the shops!  It’s typical, I really don’t know what she does with her day, or her memory come to that.  Tired, milkless and asleep by 8.00

2019: Well mum hasn’t changed over the years and neither have I really. Still love my milk, although I know it probably makes my Crohn’s worse, along with gluten, but my motto is “You’re here for a good time, not a long time”. Death really doesn’t bother me but dying of boredom and restriction does. That’s not the depressed or morbid side of me talking, I’ve looked death in the eye with sepsis. I wasn’t scared – I was too delirious to know or feel anything – but I did make up my mind afterwards to live. And food is my passion so I’m gonna enjoy it. I’ve long grown out of asthma – 7 years ago but it stopped me enlisting for the army at 16 as had to be 3 years clear, and then Crohn’s came along …

#crohns #autoimmune #depression #positiveliving #food #milk #asthma #growing up

 

March 2nd -The Problem with Communication

1999: When I got up I was full of beans and I got mum to join in my antics too (even though we were running late).  I found the headphones for mum’s walkman and sang into the connector piece (as usual) and today I did it on my very own stage – mum’s flat packed wardrobes which are on the floor waiting to be put up.  I wish she’d hurry up and do it, my room’s still full of all her clothes (and I thought I had a lot!) Told mummy that I’d had a good day at Edons but I refused to put my shoes and socks on tonight so mum had to carry me to the new, shiny red car.  I love it!  Mum’s bought a smelly for it, but I didn’t care for that much, it smelt far better than it tasted.  When we got home I found ice-lollies in the freezer which mum made me eat in the kitchen (I can’t think why).  The phone went tonight before, during and after tea – Dev, Eesa, Nan, Karen and Tracey!  Mum and I cuddled on the settee but she put me to bed at 7.45 as she thought I was tired and miserable.  I thought I’d been trying to communicate!  I was asleep within 10 minutes – perhaps she was right, but I won’t tell she knows best.

2019:  Communication’s not my best thing currently. Low mood and arguments. Got an email to advise I did not get short listed for mental health support worker role I applied for –  but at least they bothered to email me.  My grumpiness when tired and hungry has continued into adult life but not working definitely makes everything 10 times worse. Self esteem is taking  nose dive as is my Crohn’s

#depression #self-esteem #crohns #autoimmune #work #humour #growing up

 

March 1st – Cutting Teeth

1999: Spent the day at Edon’s until five when mum took me to Nan’s for tea.  I was really pleased as mum said we were going but I didn’t quite believe her until we rounded the corner of her road and then I got really excited shouting ‘Nan, Nan, Nan’.  Uncle Eddy and Pa were there too!  After 20 minutes mum disappeared.  Charming – more quality time!  She returned an hour later in a new shiny red car – I was very excited and had a little go in the driver’s seat. We went home in the NEW car, which is actually 3 years old, but it’s all ours!  I had a bath, complete with hair wash (I have managed to avoid it for a week now) and I wasn’t too impressed with Mother pouring all that water over my head.  Afterwards I found the lion cake and decided to demolish it.  Mum discovered another tooth coming = 10 at the bottom and eight on top.

2019:  Home alone today and tonight as Mum and Mark have gone to the theatre and Zof is out with friends. Low, low, low day – mum always knows – she text me to check I was in a good place before buggering off out as she put it. I’m ok. Well ok to be left on my own. She rang and faced timed me a couple of times too. I sometimes feel as if I’m cutting teeth all over again in this adult world, but wonder if it was actually any less painful back then …..

#teething #family #grandparents #toddlers #adults #work #depression #demotivation

 

February 28th Job Hope Brightens the Mood

1999:  Couldn’t be bothered to get up this morning I lay in bed calling ‘Mum, Mum’ but she did not answer.  Then I called ‘Nan’ and I heard movement and a figure entered my room saying ‘no, you were right the first time!’  I was sooo pleased to see her and we had big hugs and cuddles.  We went downstairs for milk and juice and made ‘bix’ for ‘fast’ and sat eating and drinking at the table.  At 10.30 Granddad came to fetch me to see daddy.  I had a lovely day, my cousins came round in the morning and we all played.  I had so much fun that I didn’t sleep all day and fell asleep on the way home. Tonight Nan and Pa came round with peaches and jelly and cake.  I kept putting the candles on and blowing them out – mum didn’t seem to blow out any – perhaps you don’t like that sort of thing when you get older.  

2019:  Went out to meet a friend who is back on site over this way as caravan sales manager. Was great to catch up and have breakfast and he has also told me of a sales job going on a nearby site. Went to Zof’s tonight to update my CV and do covering letter which I have now sent over to him. That has given me a bit of hope again, as the agency I keep ringing about factory work just isn’t getting anywhere in a hurry. At least we’re not actually in the flat yet and my current landlord is Mum! 

#caravans #sales #work #growingup #kids #adults

February 5th – Communication, Telephones and Technology

1999:  Back to my old ways this morning but mum wasn’t so pleased. She told me to ‘lie still’ and ‘be quiet’.  Flaming cheek, I’ve given her enough lie in’s recently.  I did manage it for a minute or two though.  The alarm went off at 7.10 and not being one to waste an opportunity I was out of the bed like a shot.  No snoozing today mother!  And just to make doubly sure, I turned the alarm off. I showed off my talking skills, repeating every word mummy said. Although I’m good at ‘Mam’ Mummy is not my forte and after attempts at ‘meme’ and ‘memum’ she gave up.   Tonight, the phone rang; I answered it and had the best phone conversation ever.  I was very clever saying ‘yes, oh, yes um…..’ I gave mummy the phone and apparently it was a wrong number.  Well I enjoyed talking to him anyway.

2019:  Funnily enough Zof and I were repeating everything mum said the other day. Im far too young to grow up just yet. Love a good laugh but unlike 20 years ago I would struggle to answer  the phone now if I did not know who was calling. Luckily nowadays we don’t have static landlines and I do all my communicating on my mobile. I struggle with the concept that there were not mobile phones around when mum was younger but as she often tells me “We had 2p and a big red telephone box!” Well you cant facetime on that can you? And what about snapchat and all that? Oh. Apparently she didn’t have that either! Better stop now before she starts up with “In my day ……”

But I did put I did put the photo above on my wall today

#phones #telephones #anxiety #telephonebox #snapchat #sleep #earlymornings #alarmclock #love #mumandson #communitcation #technology

January 12th

 

1999:  We arrived for breakfast to discover the high chair ready and waiting.  I ate bacon, a sausage (which looked remarkably like poo, I picked it up and said so very, very loudly, at which point Mummy crawled under the table, I don’t know why, she can be so embarrassing at times) and a slice of toast and marmalade.   Trudged around in the freezing cold sleet for 30 minutes to find a GP surgery as I keep falling over and am now back on antibiotics for ear infection.  We went swimming and I did really well holding mummy’s hand up and down the swan slide and so eventually she let me have a go on my own.   I fell backwards; mummy caught my leg just in time.  She had a banged leg and I have a banged back. In the dining room tonight I wanted the “ man” (waiter) to pour my juice into my cup.  He obliged saying “hold it tight” as I held on to my cup.  All was going well until half way through when I dropped the whole lot over my trousers.  We had to go back to the room to change and I had hysterics thinking I was going to bed, but we went out again – dancing. I have won the hearts of all, nearly everyone here knows my name and I had several dances with several ladies tonight.  I wave to them all when I leave one room and say hello when I go in to another.  

2019: Well after a hectic week Zof took me out to dinner last night at Bella – our first date restaurant – love Italian and my table manners have improved, although I remain fairly clumsy so drink spillages are not that uncommon. I don’t swim much now but did train as a life guard when I was 17 and spent a year at Camber Sands and a year at Scratby lifeguarding until going on to other things. One of those things being club host and entertainer – still love to dance and be the centre of attention some nights, although other days and nights will see me hiding away from the world with anxiety and depression and I struggle to even place an order at MacDonalds. Things are much better since I met Zof though and we are now thinking of getting our own place. Crohns not great at the moment but I continue of the immune’s and mum is certain a lot of this is due to all the antibiotics I had as a child knocking out my healthy gut bacteria so keeps trying to feed me them too (lucky she’s away at the moment!)