1999: Woke mum in her bed with my cold feet but soon got them warm again on mum’s legs. We snuggled back down for a while until I managed to get her up by uttering the magic words. What I didn’t tell her is I’d already started, so when she quickly took off my nappy it all fell on her foot. Luckily she saw the funny side of it. Phew! Had mum running up and down the stairs today (well you have to try it out with them all don’t you) and on one occasion I actually sat on the loo for 5 minutes, but no action, so mum gave up. I wanted to stay upstairs and play and Mum went down, two minutes later – oh no – “Mum, Mum, Poo”. Eventually, on the third shout she came upstairs; too late I’m afraid it was all over the landing. Well that will teach her to listen to me in the first place. Went over the town today. I wanted to get out and jump in the puddles, but unfortunately mum just doesn’t have any sense of adventure and she seemed to think that just pushing the buggy through the puddles would suffice. I couldn’t be bothered to argue, so I just pretended it was fun. On the way back we went to the burger van and ordered two bacon rolls, and I happily munched mine on the way home and I ate two whole bites.
2019: What can I say? I’d eat both bacon rolls right now and mum still does not listen to me – although I am usually right and its now me saying “see. I told you so”. Check out her ditzy blog to get a better understanding of what I have to put up with!
1999: Got into mums bed this morning with …………………Nan? Oh that’s right mum had to go to work again last night! Well I’m making the most of this, sorry Nan but there’s no way I’m going back to sleep. I spoke to mum on the phone at 8.00 when she rang to say good morning and to see if I was being a good boy. Why shouldn’t I be? She has no faith my Mother. Doesn’t she realize yet that I only play up when she’s around – moaning at me? Well it gets on your nerves after a while. “Jack don’t do that, don’t do this………………..” On and on and on she drones. I did have Nan running up and down the stairs all morning though by saying “poo”, but I didn’t (It’s a great game this, the power you have to make them all go running with just one, simple word). Tonight mummy and I sat on the settee watching telly, drinking milk and eating a huge bowl of sweeties. Heaven. She can go and do extra hours at work any time she likes. There’s nothing like a guilty conscience.
2019: Mums in Tenerife getting some winter sun. Hopefully they’ll be sweeties when she gets back! Meanwhile I don’t envy her those extra work hours – my day has been long, long, long insulating loft after loft! And as for poo – well that makes me go running now due to the wonder of Chron’s. Karma apparently.
1999: Slept the whole night in my own bed, I must be slacking, will have to do better than that tonight. Before we left for Edon’s today, I spied a big tube of Smarties, which someone had apparently dropped round for me last night. What a treat, I’m not usually allowed, but I’ve seen them now mum – you should have hidden them sooner (I mean you had all night). Meanie head said that I couldn’t have them for breakfast, so I decided to take them with me. I put them on the dashboard and guzzled my drink. Mum tried all sorts of distractions, but I know her game, she was hoping I would forget they were there. Is she stupid? I mean she’d remember her sweeties so what makes her think I wouldn’t remember mine? I humoured her, responded to her distractive ramblings and once at Edon’s got out of the car, Smarties tightly clenched in hand.
2019: Well mums away in Tenerife and I’ve been working hard all day and grabbing what I can to snack on. To be fair, I love my sweets still, but know chocolate really effects my Chron’s so I tend to avoid this. Along with spicy food and nuts – so what did mum put in my Christmas sack – Wasabi bloomin nuts!
1999: I decided to be good this morning (well I give the old girl a break from time to time) and played nicely with my toys whilst mum was getting ready. I have found a new hiding place – not in the beds or behind the doors – but in the suitcase in Mummys room. She found it very funny and I had to stay there while she ran downstairs to get the camera. Not that I minded; I love a good pose. My good behaviour continued throughout the day. Edon reckons mum has me well trained as I put Edons’ slippers on for her when we came in and fetched her boots for her when it was time to go out again. Edon found this very funny, but it’s no laughing matter you know, my mum’s a right slave driver! I wanted to go to Nanny and Pa’s tonight, but mum said no. So I just said “Nan, Nan, Nan” over and over again, getting louder and louder until she gave in. Well it saved her cooking tea didn’t it? Pa had bought me a Teletubbies CD and now my totally un-trendy mummy has to try and learn all the dances. She just can’t keep up.
2019: I remember that mum usually had to drive herself home after these visits as I would go in Pa’s van with him, pretending to be a bus and making him stop at all the bus stops. I now have my own work van and today had to drive to Burnley and back to load up with panels. Left at 5am and back at 8pm but I didn’t have time stop at any bus stops
1999: Total repeat of yesterday, which is a bit worrying because that’s now two days running that mum’s awoken to find me in her bed and doesn’t know how I got there. I’ll let you into a secret – I walked you daft cow. Snooze, snooze, and snooze. Eventually I had to take control and kick her out of bed. Parents, they’re such a responsibility. I recommend kids think very seriously before having them. All went well at Edon’s today, apparently I got the training thing wrong yesterday, and it’s actually about peeing in a pot. I can do that, no trouble. Not going to do it for mum though. I think she has a bit of an easy time of it at that work thing all day so within 5 minutes of us getting home I spilt my milk all over the place and weed on the kitchen floor.
2019: I’m not gonna lie. I probably still pee in inappropriate places when I’ve had a few too many bevvies. Not out tonight though – lured to stay in with night before holiday Chinese. Not my holiday unfortunately, but the Chinese was good!
Mummy awoke with the alarm, to find me lying next to her, she cannot remember how or when I got there (and she accused me of guzzling the fizz!). She turned off the alarm and we snoozed on and off. Here we go again. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. We went down to do my milk and mum’s tea, but I want tea too. I refused to put my milk in the microwave and with a persistent shouting of “tea” I eventually got my own way. Only ate half of my banana this morning, mummy decided to wear the rest of it on her coat. Fashion has obviously taken a very strange turn. Wasn’t too keen to go to ‘Edon’s’ today, but go I did, with a bag full of clothes in preparation for something called ‘training’. When Mum left I did my half screaming, half laughing, and half crying bit. How could she leave me? Has she gone? Oh, great – let’s play! Have discovered what the ‘training’ bits about, it’s to develop my impersonating skills – today I did an excellent Niagara Falls, whilst in the high chair. Personally I think it would have been far more effective standing up and given free range, but Director Edon thought differently and tried to collect most of it in a towel.
Well carrying on the wet theme – the tumble dryer packed in today so Zof had to go to work in wet jeans and I collected a new one from Argos. Was great to get back in the truck again (well 3.5 tun) and feel the roar. Had to drive it down from Burnley the other week in a mighty storm and have to drive it there again on Sunday to pick up some boards. Looking forward to getting back to work now.
Mummy awoke to me tap dancing on her bedroom floor (currently void of carpet so it makes a truly authentic noise). Honestly performers get paid mega bucks for doing this and appreciation shown in standing ovations. You would think mum would be grateful to get this for free without having to even travel anywhere! Some people are so ungrateful. Uncle Terry bought me a blow up Teletubbies tent for Christmas, which, unfortunately for mummy I want put up every day. Still it only takes 15 minutes to pump up by hand. Only problem is (apart from Mummy being Knackered and unable to play for the rest of the day) the pump nozzle is too big and has stretched the hole so the stopper now doesn’t fit. Hopefully a Winnie the Poo plaster will fix it! Talking of poo – Mum I need one. I actually did it on the toilet today – usually I tell mummy when it’s in the leg of my pyjama’s or trousers. Well bless her; I guess she deserves a break every now and again. Afterwards I got dressed and then I played with my new, big truck (a Christmas pressie from Mummy’s friend Dev). Once Mum was dressed she started down the stairs and said “come on Jack you’re going to Daddy’s today”. I said “truck” and she said I could bring it down and take it with me. This conversation was repeated 4 times, with me staying static, before mum realised that what I was actually saying was “stuck”. My sock was caught on the bare gripper of her bedroom. I eventually got off to Daddy’s – minus gripper and had a lovely day. When I got home mummy and I had fizz. I had straight lemonade and mummy had wine with hers. We were sat watching T.V., my drink was so tasty I gulped it down before mum realised that I was actually drinking hers! Mmm. That was nice. Should sleep well tonight.
Still playing with trucks – have one parked outside full of loft insulation waiting for me to get back into after the festive hols. Meanwhile, just to keep me amused, I’m driving lots of different vehicles on X-box as I am now legally old enough to play GTA and too old to be restricted and grounded so now mums the one who’s stuck! (and so were the conservatory doors tonight when mum somehow accidentally managed to perfectly line up a box lid to prevent the slide – she couldn’t have done it if she’d actually tried!) Check out ditzydotcom