1999: Slept the whole night in my own bed, I must be slacking, will have to do better than that tonight. Before we left for Edon’s today, I spied a big tube of Smarties, which someone had apparently dropped round for me last night. What a treat, I’m not usually allowed, but I’ve seen them now mum – you should have hidden them sooner (I mean you had all night). Meanie head said that I couldn’t have them for breakfast, so I decided to take them with me. I put them on the dashboard and guzzled my drink. Mum tried all sorts of distractions, but I know her game, she was hoping I would forget they were there. Is she stupid? I mean she’d remember her sweeties so what makes her think I wouldn’t remember mine? I humoured her, responded to her distractive ramblings and once at Edon’s got out of the car, Smarties tightly clenched in hand.
2019: Well mums away in Tenerife and I’ve been working hard all day and grabbing what I can to snack on. To be fair, I love my sweets still, but know chocolate really effects my Chron’s so I tend to avoid this. Along with spicy food and nuts – so what did mum put in my Christmas sack – Wasabi bloomin nuts!
1999: I decided to be good this morning (well I give the old girl a break from time to time) and played nicely with my toys whilst mum was getting ready. I have found a new hiding place – not in the beds or behind the doors – but in the suitcase in Mummys room. She found it very funny and I had to stay there while she ran downstairs to get the camera. Not that I minded; I love a good pose. My good behaviour continued throughout the day. Edon reckons mum has me well trained as I put Edons’ slippers on for her when we came in and fetched her boots for her when it was time to go out again. Edon found this very funny, but it’s no laughing matter you know, my mum’s a right slave driver! I wanted to go to Nanny and Pa’s tonight, but mum said no. So I just said “Nan, Nan, Nan” over and over again, getting louder and louder until she gave in. Well it saved her cooking tea didn’t it? Pa had bought me a Teletubbies CD and now my totally un-trendy mummy has to try and learn all the dances. She just can’t keep up.
2019: I remember that mum usually had to drive herself home after these visits as I would go in Pa’s van with him, pretending to be a bus and making him stop at all the bus stops. I now have my own work van and today had to drive to Burnley and back to load up with panels. Left at 5am and back at 8pm but I didn’t have time stop at any bus stops
1999: Total repeat of yesterday, which is a bit worrying because that’s now two days running that mum’s awoken to find me in her bed and doesn’t know how I got there. I’ll let you into a secret – I walked you daft cow. Snooze, snooze, and snooze. Eventually I had to take control and kick her out of bed. Parents, they’re such a responsibility. I recommend kids think very seriously before having them. All went well at Edon’s today, apparently I got the training thing wrong yesterday, and it’s actually about peeing in a pot. I can do that, no trouble. Not going to do it for mum though. I think she has a bit of an easy time of it at that work thing all day so within 5 minutes of us getting home I spilt my milk all over the place and weed on the kitchen floor.
2019: I’m not gonna lie. I probably still pee in inappropriate places when I’ve had a few too many bevvies. Not out tonight though – lured to stay in with night before holiday Chinese. Not my holiday unfortunately, but the Chinese was good!
Mummy awoke with the alarm, to find me lying next to her, she cannot remember how or when I got there (and she accused me of guzzling the fizz!). She turned off the alarm and we snoozed on and off. Here we go again. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. We went down to do my milk and mum’s tea, but I want tea too. I refused to put my milk in the microwave and with a persistent shouting of “tea” I eventually got my own way. Only ate half of my banana this morning, mummy decided to wear the rest of it on her coat. Fashion has obviously taken a very strange turn. Wasn’t too keen to go to ‘Edon’s’ today, but go I did, with a bag full of clothes in preparation for something called ‘training’. When Mum left I did my half screaming, half laughing, and half crying bit. How could she leave me? Has she gone? Oh, great – let’s play! Have discovered what the ‘training’ bits about, it’s to develop my impersonating skills – today I did an excellent Niagara Falls, whilst in the high chair. Personally I think it would have been far more effective standing up and given free range, but Director Edon thought differently and tried to collect most of it in a towel.
Well carrying on the wet theme – the tumble dryer packed in today so Zof had to go to work in wet jeans and I collected a new one from Argos. Was great to get back in the truck again (well 3.5 tun) and feel the roar. Had to drive it down from Burnley the other week in a mighty storm and have to drive it there again on Sunday to pick up some boards. Looking forward to getting back to work now.
Mummy awoke to me tap dancing on her bedroom floor (currently void of carpet so it makes a truly authentic noise). Honestly performers get paid mega bucks for doing this and appreciation shown in standing ovations. You would think mum would be grateful to get this for free without having to even travel anywhere! Some people are so ungrateful. Uncle Terry bought me a blow up Teletubbies tent for Christmas, which, unfortunately for mummy I want put up every day. Still it only takes 15 minutes to pump up by hand. Only problem is (apart from Mummy being Knackered and unable to play for the rest of the day) the pump nozzle is too big and has stretched the hole so the stopper now doesn’t fit. Hopefully a Winnie the Poo plaster will fix it! Talking of poo – Mum I need one. I actually did it on the toilet today – usually I tell mummy when it’s in the leg of my pyjama’s or trousers. Well bless her; I guess she deserves a break every now and again. Afterwards I got dressed and then I played with my new, big truck (a Christmas pressie from Mummy’s friend Dev). Once Mum was dressed she started down the stairs and said “come on Jack you’re going to Daddy’s today”. I said “truck” and she said I could bring it down and take it with me. This conversation was repeated 4 times, with me staying static, before mum realised that what I was actually saying was “stuck”. My sock was caught on the bare gripper of her bedroom. I eventually got off to Daddy’s – minus gripper and had a lovely day. When I got home mummy and I had fizz. I had straight lemonade and mummy had wine with hers. We were sat watching T.V., my drink was so tasty I gulped it down before mum realised that I was actually drinking hers! Mmm. That was nice. Should sleep well tonight.
Still playing with trucks – have one parked outside full of loft insulation waiting for me to get back into after the festive hols. Meanwhile, just to keep me amused, I’m driving lots of different vehicles on X-box as I am now legally old enough to play GTA and too old to be restricted and grounded so now mums the one who’s stuck! (and so were the conservatory doors tonight when mum somehow accidentally managed to perfectly line up a box lid to prevent the slide – she couldn’t have done it if she’d actually tried!) Check out ditzydotcom
Thud. Thud. Thud. Awoke to footsteps on the floorboards at 6.15 a.m. Some people are so inconsiderate, don’t they realise I had a late night? On further investigation they turned out to be mine, as I found myself on automatic pilot to mummy’s room and bed, whereupon we snuggled back down until 8.00. Just as we were about to get up we heard a downpour. It was the first time mum has ever been glad to see rain as it meant she got an extra 5 minutes in bed whilst I watched the rain from her bedroom window. Mum reckons I’m a bit whiney today and says that it’s not the best of days to be like this as she’s quit smoking. What that’s got to do with anything I don’t know. Anyway if anyone’s being moody and miserable today it’s her, not me. Women! We went over the town and I wanted a bacon roll from the burger van. Mummy only ordered one and told the man that I would only have a bite and that she would have to eat the rest. He said that one day I would call her bluff and eat it all. What a marvellous idea (don’t know why I didn’t think of it before). So 10 minutes later we were back at the burger van ordering mummy’s bacon roll. That will teach her to be so presumptuous. We went to see Aunty ‘Eesa’ and I played with ‘Dandell’ and ‘Dessica’ for a while. We left at 2.30, which I think was way too early, now all I have to look forwards to is a boring afternoon of mummy. So I fell asleep in the car and continued to sleep through the transfer to the settee and finally decided to wake up to mum’s prompts just in time for tea. Well – I had to give in, it was Yorkshire Pud’s. I finished my Yorkshires and hadn’t even started the rest, when I spotted the Jelly Babies. I pushed the rest of my dinner away opting for the sweets. Unfortunately mum had other ideas. My dinner is now in the bin and the Jelly Babies remain, untouched, in the pot. She’s not completely mean though; I did get a mince pie. Another day of well balanced diet – sugar and fat – great if you’re nearly two, not so great if the Health Visitor finds out.
Mum popped into Lidl to get a few bits but ended up filling the trolley so much she had to ring me to go and meet her . I had to jump in the car and go help with the packing and loading and I then came home and cooked dinner using some of my new Christmas cookware. I still love my sweets and mince pies but love to whip up different culinary concoctions with herbs and spices. Have discovered I have to hold back a bit on the latter though as it effects my Chron’s – although I’ve been a lot better since surgery last year. I love to cook and eat when I can and it’s better than having to keep fanning the smoke detector when mum cooks (plus I don’t have to wash up!)
Happy New year, and what a way to start it. First bum change of the year occurred at 12.25 a.m. when Mummy discovered that my nappy was rather full. Well at least she didn’t disturb me. Nor did I bat an eyelid at midnight when she came to wish me a happy new year – I just kept on snoozing. Well what does she expect, I’m a kid after all, and it’s just like any other old night to me. She should be thankful. She won’t be so happy in years to come when I roll in drunk and slur “Happy New Year” with my head down the toilet! This morning mummy just wanted to carry on sleeping. After 5 minutes of me lifting up her eyelids and saying “hello”, putting my finger up her nose and pulling back the covers shouting “up”, she gave in. My Mummy is such a lazy bones and she takes forever to wake up, but we get there in the end (with a bit of persistence). I walked all through the mud getting to the car and once settled inside, tapped the bottom of my trainers and got mud all over my hands. Mummy said, “Don’t do that. Are you mad?” I simply looked at her and replied “yes”. Well what chance do I have living with her? I spent the day with Nanny and Grandpa (Pa) and my Great Granddad (Bomper) came round too. Pa has made me my very own wooden footstool to help me reach the toilet and taps and I have taken it everywhere with me today. My new phrase is “in a minute”. I’m only repeating what all these big people keep saying.
Last night was the expected drunken mess in Norwich with my girlfriend Zofia getting home at 11.00am this morning. No vomiting or slurring as predicted 20 years ago but I did have some sleep between partying and coming home but very tired. Opted to spend the day in bed whilst mum and my step dad Mark went to Nanny and Pa’s for lunch. Still, I faired better than Mark who’s drunken exploits led him to face plant the road and he is now sporting a very swollen, grazed and bruised forehead and nose. See – its still the blooming grown ups causing all the issues!
OH – and there is NO WAY I will walk though mud for anyone in my trainers nowadays or allow anyone to eat, drink, muddy or mess up MY CAR! I still save all that for mums.